Message: 5 Date: Sun, 23 Sep 2001 21:48:29 +0100 From: "Gareth" Subject: FIC: Interview with the Vampire Slayer (1/3) TITLE: Interview with the Vampire Slayer SERIES: None AUTHOR: Gareth RATING: R-ish DISCLAIMER: Guy walks into a bar... Guy's name is Joss Whedon... Bartender (that's me) says "Hey, you're the one who owns characters like Dawn and Faith and stuff, all the usual Buffy characters, right?"... Joss says "That's right, but I didn't come up with no character like that messed up Zuzzigiel. That one's your problem." SPOILERS: None really. ARCHIVE: List Archives are Welcome to it, other people please ask. DISTRIBUTION: Sure, as long as you keep this header intact. SUMMARY: Faith is babysitting Dawn, only things get "complicated". FEEDBACK: Hell yeah :) I don't want to churn loads of stuff out then find out you all think it's crap :) Send to feedback@lostscrolls.net NOTES: Another fic written while on holiday, this time in sunny Cornwall. One of three ideas I had for stuff to write while away, just count yourselves lucky I didn't do the "Spike", "library", "teddy-bear" one :) ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: Thanks to everyone I was texting from holiday to ask for assistance with background for this fic. It may not seem like some of it was any use when you come to read it, but trust me, it was. =========================================== Interview With The Vampire Slayer "Don't push me, Pipsqueak," Faith said sternly. Dawn glared back at her. Faith always did this. Just because she was a Vampire Slayer, and because Mom had left her in charge, and because for this evening, like many others before it, she was the babysitter, she figured she could just push Dawn about when she wanted. And Faith was supposed to be Dawn's friend. Well, that was probably true. Most of the time, Faith was cool. But then, most of the time, someone else was there to rag on Dawn instead. Maybe that was it. Faith was cool when there was someone for her and Dawn to rebel against. As soon as Faith was in charge, that all changed. "Don't boss me around then!" Dawn snapped back. "You're always telling me how much grown-ups have to ease up on us, but every time you babysit you turn into a shitty grown up!" "Watch your mouth," Faith replied calmly. That was the other thing. Dawn couldn't make Faith angry. Buffy was easy, Dawn just had to push the right buttons and her sister exploded. Mom was different, but only in the amount of button pushes it took. With Dawn, it seemed like Faith was made of liquid hydrogen. And yet Buffy could make Faith angry without even trying. It just wasn't fair. "Me watch my mouth?" Dawn said in disbelief. "Why the hell should I watch my mouth? You're the one always using the F-Word." Which Dawn was sure Faith did deliberately. Probably trying to encourage the younger girl to use the word herself and thus get in more trouble. Faith sighed. Was that exasperation? "We're not having this conversation, Pipsqueak," she said wearily. Yes! Exasperation! She was finally starting to get to Faith. "Look," the Slayer continued, "it's nearly midnight. Your Mom will be back by 1, and if you're still up she'll know we watched a load of icky films she doesn't want you to see 'till you're older. You'll get in trouble for it, and get upset, and then I'll get in trouble and won't get fully paid for minding your ass. Definite no-win situation, which I'm sure is something we all want to avoid." Now was the really annoying part, where Faith was not only pushing her around, but was also right. It was infuriating. Dawn sighed. "Okay," she said grudgingly. "But I know you're only worried about the money to pay for getting the porn channel to your motel room. You told me that last time, remember?" She pulled a face at Faith, hoping she sounded more disgusted than jealous. "Moi?" Faith asked in mock disbelief, holding a hand to her chest and cocking her head from side to side. "I can't get the porn channel, I'm still a minor. Pipsqueak," she said with a mischievous smile, "are you suggesting I would break the law just to watch..." The conversation was interrupted by a sudden and loud rap on the door. "I'll get it," Dawn said, jumping up from the sofa and heading for the door. "Pipsqueak," Faith said quickly, grabbing Dawn by the arm, "Like I said, it's nearly midnight. There could be anyone on the other side of that door." "Don't worry," Dawn said as she grabbed hold of the door handle, "if it's a Vampire I won't invite him in." She gasped as she pulled the door open. The... figure stood on the doorstep was a definite clash of concepts and images. The pinstripe suit was hardest to swallow. A reptilian demon in a suit, complete with ash grey shirt and matching tie, was not something Dawn had been particularly prepared for. The demon's skin was an uneven reddish-brown colour, and the three ridges across its head that formed its crest sprouted hair untidily. "What are you," Dawn asked nervously, "the demon of bad hairstyles?" The demon cleared its throat and run its clawed fingers along the bony ridges. Its hair didn't look any less ridiculous afterwards, but at least now it looked neat and ridiculous. "I am Zuzzigiel," it said. Its voice was funny - it had a deep timbre to it, but at the same time was very camp. "I'm looking for Faith." It paused nervously. "I mean, Faith is here, right? Faith..." Faith yanked the door fully open so she could see the demon. Dawn found herself pushed roughly aside. "Say my second name and I'll kill ya," the Slayer said, cutting the demon off in mid-flow. "Cuz despite what it says on my birth certificate, that name has nothing to do with me." "I was only going to say 'The Vampire Slayer'," Zuzzigiel replied, clearly a little hurt by the sudden retort. "You'll be Faith then," it said, straightening its tie. "I have to tell you this sudden outburst and threat of violence will not count well in your assessment." "Assessment?" Dawn asked, breaking the sudden moment of tension between demon and Slayer. "Faith can't do any assessment, she's babysitting me." Suddenly Dawn felt more than a little afraid. There had been situations where she had taunted demons, or talked back at them, and mostly they had been evil, ugly demons who could've snapped her in two as soon as look at her, but that all came with being the Slayer's sister. For some reason, the idea of getting in the face of a well-dressed, polite, and so far non-aggressive demon was a lot scarier than anything she had come up against before. "Well," Zuzzigiel said, leaning forward a little to stare down at the young girl, "this really won't take an instant. It's certainly not going to get in the way of any babysitting." Urgh. That was some breath it had. What had it been eating? Dawn suddenly realised that demon diet was not something she cared to speculate on, particularly after the films they'd just been watching. "What's the assessment for?" Faith said. Dawn turned and saw the Slayer standing with her head cocked to one side, arms tightly folded against her chest. In all, a no-bullshit pose - a pose Dawn was used to seeing her sister hold, and that subsequently she hadn't been surprised to find Faith used too. Zuzzigiel looked down at its feet nervously for a second. "I can see this may take a bit of explaining," it said looking up again. "I'm one of the clerks in Purgatory. I trust I don't need to explain the idea of Purgatory to you." "How about we just make sure we're agreed on what it means," Faith said coldly. She was taking this so well, Dawn was amazed. It was at the same time both scary and funny. Purgatory, wherever it was, didn't sound like the sort of place that needed clerks. Dawn couldn't help but wonder if Faith knew what it was and was just making sure she'd got it right, or if she was bluffing because she had no idea. "Okay," Zuzzigiel said. "You've got Heaven," it held one hand out, "and you've got Hell." It held its other hand out. "When people die, their souls go to Heaven or Hell, based on the life they've lead. All the people who've done great good - doctors, benevolent rulers, the humble and the selfless - they all go to heaven. All the evil people - the tyrants, the paedophiles, the killers and the mime artists - they all go to Hell. With me so far?" "Uh-huh," Faith said. Dawn nodded, although the mention of mime made her nervous. She'd done mime at school a month or so ago, did this now mean she was going to Hell? It was Miss Jackson who had taken the class. Was Miss Jackson going to Hell? Surely it wasn't that simple. "Of course it's not really that simple," the demon continued. "Twentieth Century society is so damn complex these days. Money. Politics. Religion. Good and Evil is all mixed up. You've got doctors who save lives every day, and then every night peddle racial hatred with the KKK. There are mime artists who work in animal sanctuaries. The benevolent rulers are usually fucking their aides on the side, and the tyrants always have a good widows and orphans policy or something. And don't even get me started on the whole 'Terrorist or Freedom Fighter' thing. Good and Evil has turned into Them and Us." "What's this have to do with me?" Faith asked. It sounded to Dawn like Faith was getting bored with this, which probably wasn't such a good idea. "Well," Zuzzigiel explained. "All these shades of grey in people's souls mean it's not always clear which way they're bound. That's where Purgatory comes in. It's like a stop-over point, where ambiguous souls wait while someone works out where they're going. As Earth's population gets bigger, the number of people dying follows it. Purgatory has a backlog of cases you just wouldn't believe. "So this is the thing. I'm one of the ones who decides where souls end up - a Purgatorial Clerk. There are hundreds of us, demons and angels trying to work out where someone falls between Ghandi and Genghis. You Faith, are a Vampire Slayer. Someone in your line of work could die at any time. Mostly that's not a problem. People who put their lives on the line 24/7 are mostly gonna go upstairs rather than down. But you've been a bad girl, Faith, and I'm not talking about you letting boys pay to watch you masturbate while you were at Junior High." "Hey!" Faith protested while Dawn stifled a giggle. "Not in front of the pipsqueak!" Hmph! It was like that, was it? Demon guy mentions a dirty secret of Faith's and immediately Faith shuts it up? It wasn't like Dawn understood what Zuzzigiel meant anyway. It was only guys that did... that thing... wasn't it? "Okay, okay," the demon said, holding its hands up placatingly. "It's not like I mentioned the cucumber thing. Jeez." Dawn giggled again, not being entirely sure what Zuzzigiel meant, but the glare in Faith's eyes told her she was at least close. The demon continued. "Anyway, thing is this, Miss Vampire Slayer. Your soul is tarnished, and will no doubt continue to be so throughout your sojourn in the town of Sunnydale and wherever your travels take you afterwards. In the absence of you doing anything between now and your death to swing it one way or the other, you're gonna have us clerks pretty confused when you turn up in Purgatory. That made you a perfect candidate for trialing our new "Fast-Track" processing. I'm here to assess you now so that whenever you die you're not left languishing in Purgatory taking up space that we don't really have. And as for Miss Summers here, it's always good that you have a witness when these things are going on. Don't worry, I'm not about to import your entire sexual history to someone who's not yet made a start on theirs." Oh c'mon now! This Zuzzigiel guy (or thing? - was an 'it' a guy or a thing?) was starting to really suck. It talked far too much, and now it was getting with the age put-downs. Dawn snarled at it. "I thought you said this was only gonna take an instant," the young girl said, moving to grab the front door again, ready to slam it in its face. "You've been talking like forever, and you've only just explained why you're here." The demon smiled smugly. "Dawn, my dear, once I arrived here time stopped. I'll start it up again once I'm done with Faith. The two of you will be able to get on with your lives afterwards as if I never interrupted." Dawn grinned as a sudden thought occurred to her. "Does that mean I can watch Pulp Fiction while Faith's being assessed?" she asked. "If I can, you can come in, no problem." "As I said before," Zuzzigiel said while adjusting its tie, "you will be the witness. That means you don't get to be distracted by Tarantino movies." Dawn pouted and heaved the door closed. It was just about to slam when Faith grabbed hold of it, flinging it open again. "Okay then," the Slayer said impatiently. "Let's get this crazy thing over with. You'd better come in." * * * ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Message: 6 Date: Sun, 23 Sep 2001 21:50:55 +0100 From: "Gareth" Subject: FIC: Interview with the Vampire Slayer (2/3) TITLE: Interview with the Vampire Slayer SERIES: None AUTHOR: Gareth (see part one for other notes) =========================================== * * * The three of them sat around the dining table. Dawn wore a sullen expression and shot accusing glances at the other two. She didn't see why she had to sit through this. Either she got to watch Pulp Fiction, or she got to drop back into Time and stop with the rest of the World. This was meant to be a fun evening, watching grown-up movies, not doing some stupid assessment. Even if Faith's soul was at stake here, she didn't see how she could help Faith out. "The assessment splits into two sections," Zuzzigiel explained. "First an interview to assess the state of your mortal soul, and then a number of scenarios on the Dreamscape, based on the answers you give in the interview." It rested its elbows on the table and held its claw-tips together thoughtfully. "The scenarios will be used to verify the results of your interview." Faith shot the demon a look of wounded shock. "You mean, it's to check if I'm lying." She grinned. "You ask me all these questions and then you want to find out if I was telling the truth? That's nuts. Who thought up this stupid assessment?" Zuzzigiel grinned back at her. "I will be able to tell straight away if you are lying to me," it said smugly. "What I am unable to ascertain is whether you are lying to yourself." Dawn looked at Faith in surprise. The Slayer's expression had completely changed. She was terrified. "Faith," Dawn asked curiously, "why would you want to lie to yourself? How can you lie to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you know if you were lying?" Even as she asked the questions Dawn knew the answers she was going to get. It would be something she was too young to understand. Faith turned and looked Dawn in the eye. "Haven't you ever decided you liked a guy, and then realised that you'd liked him for a long time before that, but hadn't admitted it to yourself because you were scared you'd end up hurt?" "No," Dawn said with a sarcastic smile. "But I'm sure I will when I'm older." She gave Faith a venomous look. "Is that like you crushing on my sis?" It was a little unfair of her to throw things back at Faith like that - the Slayer had tried to explain after all. But Dawn was so fed up of things she didn't quite understand going on around her. Particularly anything to do with Buffy. "Can we leave my lesbian tendencies out of this?" Faith asked with a pained look. "This is meant to be an assessment of my soul, not my sexuality. I'm not lying to anyone about my crush on Buffy, I know it won't ever come to anything. Do I score extra points for that admission, Ziggy?" Zuzzigiel raised its eyebrows. Well, it was more a case of raising the skin above its eyes - it didn't have any eyebrows. "My name is Zuzzigiel, not Ziggy. I am a demon of Purgatory, not a figment of David Bowie's fucking imagination." Dawn frowned. Who the hell was David Bowie? "And I'm afraid admissions like that don't count," the demon continued. "Being honest is all very well, but tarnishes on the soul don't go away just from telling the truth about them. Would Hitler be any less evil if he'd owned up to being a hate-filled racist bigot? Some how, I doubt it. Not that I'm equating lesbianism with fascism, you understand. Contrary to what many like to believe, homosexuality is not a sin. We are still undecided about excessive campness though." Faith shot the demon a withering look. Dawn tried to work out what the demon was getting at, she got the impression he'd once again done her the indignity of making yet another comment that went straight over her head. "Feel free to take your time and talk at length," Faith said accusingly to Zuzzigiel. "With you Star Trek temporal mojo we can waste all the time we want, right?" "That is not strictly true..." the demon began. Dawn giggled. Zuzzigiel didn't seem to have much grasp of the idea of sarcasm. Or if it did, it was piss-poor at detecting the stuff. "Can we just get the fuck on with it?" Faith snapped. She glared at Zuzzigiel. "You! I want you to try using less than fifty words at a time to get to the point. Got that?" Without waiting for a response she turned to look at Dawn, and thankfully her expression softened a little. "Pipsqueak, I remember what it's like when people treat you like a kid, and I sympathise with your need to get away from that as quickly as possible. But please, try not to interrupt every time you don't understand. I've gotta get this over with, okay?" Dawn nodded, but fumed inwardly. Was there any need for Faith to be so fucking patronising? Sounded worse than the clerk in Victoria's Secret trying to tell Dawn she didn't yet have the physique to shop in there. Bitch. Zuzzigiel picked up its briefcase and opened it on the table in front of it. That was odd. Dawn didn't remember it having a briefcase when it was standing at the door. It was an impressive and expensive looking case, with perhaps the only drawback being that the leather it was made from seemed a little too much of a reminder that leather was dried cows' skin. That's what you got for shopping in Purgatory, Dawn guessed. "This isn't going to be going through the Ten Commandments, is it?" Faith asked, smiling nervously. "Because if it is, we may as well just can this now. The only one I can be sure I haven't broken is 'Thou Shalt Not Kill', and even then that's only assuming that killing Vampires and beasts from the Nether-Hells doesn't count. If the Ten Commandments come into this at all, I'm screwed." Dawn frowned. Faith had always made her exploits sound cool when talking about them, and it sounded odd to hear them dismissed as commandment-breaking mayhem. Dawn was starting to understand why the whole 'shades of grey' problem that Zuzzigiel was trying to address was such an awkward one. The demon sighed. "In Purgatory we used to think the phrase 'Plenary Indulgence' was the most tortuous, inventive, and just plain snide concept that mankind could come up with. Then you invented lawyers, and with them the phrase 'Mitigating Circumstances'. In other words Faith, no, you don't have to worry about the Ten Commandments. Not strictly. It's your intent that matters more than your deeds." It paused a moment, thinking over what it had said. "Although your deeds are important too. Obviously," it added quickly. "Yeah, whatever," Faith said impatiently. "First question, please." Yeah! It was about time they got onto the juicy stuff. Dawn wriggled in her seat, making herself comfy, then sat forward to listen intently. "If a tree falls in a forest, and there's no one around to hear it, does it still make a sound?" Zuzzigiel said with an emotionless smile. Dawn burst out laughing. "You're kidding?" Faith asked in disbelief, before laughing herself. "Who gives a fuck?" she added. "I certainly don't care." She waved her hand dismissively. The demon shrugged. "Just a little control question - meant to see which way your mind works. I'll put you down as-" "Put me down as 'No Bullshit'," Faith snapped, cutting the demon off. "I'm starting to think Purgatory wouldn't be so bad, y'know. Can the next question be a bit more meaningful please? Otherwise I might feel you were wasting my..." Faith paused. Dawn bit her lip to keep from laughing. The Slayer had caught herself out there - served her right for making it up as she went along, Dawn figured. Her English teacher was always going on about how important it was to think before you spoke. She guessed Faith musta always skipped English. Zuzzigiel frowned. "Well, let's get down to business then. Is taxidermy wrong?" Faith scowled. "What the fuck is taxidermy?" she asked impatiently. Dawn slid off her chair and retrieved the Webster's from the bookcase. "T, t, t," she said after opening the dictionary on the table. Zuzzigiel was perfectly happy to wait while she leafed through hunting the word. "Tadpole... Tamarind... Taxidermy!" She read the entry carefully. "It's stuffing animals." Faith screwed her face up in disgust. "Gross! Are you sure?" Dawn rolled her eyes. "I said stuffing animals, not fucking them. You know, taking their inside bits out and replacing them with... I dunno. What do people stuff animals with?" Faith leant forward towards Zuzzigiel. "In that case, so long as the animal was dead anyway, who cares? It doesn't need its body any more. If the animal's only been killed as a trophy, like hunting or something, or it's just been killed to be stuffed, then yeah, that's wrong. But I can think of other things to get upset about." "I see," said Zuzzigiel. Dawn stopped paying attention to them and started turning the pages of the dictionary. To begin with she was just spotting words at random, but as demon and Slayer worked their way through a bout of quickfire questions, a moment of confusion from earlier came back to her. Reading the relevant definition left her none the wiser. "Faith," she piped up, "what's so big about you..." she paused, glancing back down at the page, "stimulating your genital organs by manual contact that boys would pay to watch?" Faith clearly wasn't impressed by the question. Although it could've just been that Dawn was interrupting. "All boys are pervs. If that doesn't make enough sense yet, give it another year. You're bound to have slapped a boy for trying to feel you up or something by then." Dawn did her best not to get mad at yet another 'you're not old enough yet' answer. But she still didn't get it. "Did you really do that while boys were watching? Sounds kinda icky, even if they were paying." Faith shrugged. "It beat appearing in burger commercials. Paid well too. Charged five bucks a time. I made over five hundred dollars in one semester." Dawn's eyes widened. Five hundred bucks! "Don't go getting any entrepreneurial ideas, Pipsqueak. It was icky, and you are way better than that. There are much cooler ways of getting cash. Pocket money, for a start." Zuzzigiel smiled and made a note on... whatever it was it was writing on. That sucked. It was taking notes on everything Faith said. "You bastard!" Faith shouted at it suddenly. Clearly she had noticed the same thing. "You only brought that up earlier to see what I'd say when Dawn asked about it. That is sooo fucking manipulative. And what's with telling her in the first place? She's only fucking twelve!" Zuzzigiel nodded, then took more notes. For a moment Faith looked set to explode, then Dawn figured the Slayer realised she was still being played. "Shall we return to the scripted questions?" the demon asked. Faith took a deep breath and nodded. "You're watching TV," the demon began, "when you suddenly notice a wasp crawling on your arm. What do you do?" "Freak," Faith said shuddering, "or maybe scream the fucking place down. Once it got the fuck off me, I'd kill it, no question. Damn things. Hate them. Hated them even before I fought a giant hornet demon." Faith screwed up her face in discomfort. "Can we have less of the questions that draw on my own personal discomforts, if that's not too much trouble?" Dawn's eyes narrowed as she listened to the two of them. "What if the whole point is the questions draw on your discomforts?" Faith folded her arms and pouted angrily at Zuzzigiel. "Then this is no assessment, it's an ordeal." The demon inclined its head towards her, and adopted what Dawn found to be a very superior tone. "Life is a string of ordeals, in some ways. Most of them have an easy way out, but that's rarely the best way. There are consequences to everything you do, however small or insignificant. Do you wish to end the assessment now?" Hmmm. If Dawn got that right, the demon had just admitted that these tests were an ordeal. That sucked. Faith could either just go to Hell, or go through hell on the off-chance of avoiding... well, Hell. What was all this Purgatory nonsense anyway? Dawn didn't remember any kind of mention of Purgatory in her Religious Studies classes. Then again, she had difficulty remembering anything from those classes that would've been of use right now. With Webster's in front of her it didn't seem like a bad time to do a spot of research, with Purgatory itself as the first topic on the list. "Hey!" she exclaimed after reading the entry, "you said Purgatory was where people went when it wasn't clear if they should go to Heaven or Hell. This dictionary says that's bullshit." She had interrupted Faith answering another question, and the Slayer didn't look too pleased. Still, that didn't matter, this was important. "Let me guess. Your treasured Webster's says a whole load of stuff about atoning for Venial Sins before going on to Heaven." Zuzzigiel looked even less impressed. Even so, it matched up pretty well with what Dawn had just read. She nodded dumbly. "The dictionary is quoting Catholic Doctrine - Papal Propanganda, some of us like to call it. It's all very nice in theory, but the system just doesn't work like that." "Why not?" Dawn asked. "I'm sorry?" Zuzzigiel looked somewhat surprised at the question. "Why doesn't the system work like that?" she repeated. Seemed a reasonable enough thing to ask. Demon should be prepared to answer stuff like that, given its job. "You are far too inquisitive," Zuzzigiel replied. "You want to be careful of that. People who ask too many questions usually end up getting too many answers. Not Pretty." Dawn knew an evasive answer when she heard it. It didn't have to contain the words 'when you're older' for her to spot it. "You don't know, do you?" The demon shrugged. "Not really, no." It picked up its papers and looked through them. "I think we can start with the scenarios now," it said. "Miss Summers, you will be required to take part at this point. It may disorient you both a little, I must warn you. The Dreamscape around you will change as soon as Faith's decision of how to deal with the scenario becomes clear. Try not to think too much about what you're doing, Faith. Act on what seems right to you. The scenarios don't allow much for hesitation in the first place, so any moments of doubt will lead to a spectacular screw up. Clear?" Faith looked totally pissed off with the whole situation. "Whatever," she said dismissively. Dawn gave Zuzzigiel a worried look, then nodded. Her view of the world suddenly changed. * * * ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ Message: 7 Date: Sun, 23 Sep 2001 21:52:12 +0100 From: "Gareth" Subject: FIC: Interview with the Vampire Slayer (3/3) TITLE: Interview with the Vampire Slayer SERIES: None AUTHOR: Gareth (see part one for other notes) =========================================== * * * Dawn's first instinct was to scream. It only took a few glances about to realise her predicament. Her arms were tied together at the wrists, and she was dangling from the rope that tied them, suspended over a vat of... hot toffee sauce? Well, at least if she was gonna die, it was in something that smelled to die for. It was a huge copper vat in the middle of a crowded city street - the sort of streets she'd seen in the old 60's Batman shows. In other words, it looked fake. People were walking past as if nothing was happening. Cars were sounding horns at the huge vat blocking their way, but otherwise took no interest in what was happening. Zuzzigiel was next to her, standing on a small platform level with the side of the huge toffee pot. Its suit had turned purple, its skin white and its tufts of hair green. Oh, so suddenly the demon was the Joker? And... Dawn knew she was dreaming, but she also knew... Faith! Faith should be here somewhere. There she was! Down on the street! Wearing... a Batgirl outfit? Huh? Had Dawn just dreamt herself into an old episode of Batman or something? "Faith!" she yelled. "Help me! You've got to-" Suddenly she was gagged. She wasn't sure exactly how, but then again dreams did that. Which was weird too. Normally Dawn didn't realise she was dreaming until after she'd woken up. How come she knew now? "Ha ha ha, Faith!" Zuzzigiel called out. "I'm going to kill your friend! Unless, of course, you can find One Million Dollars for me in the next 30 seconds!" One Million Dollars? How would Faith find two hundred thousand pervy boys that quickly? Or was there some other way for Faith to rescue her? It'd take the Slayer at least half of that time to climb the ladder to the demon's platform. She wouldn't be able to overpower it and rescue Dawn in the remaining time. Dawn noticed the bank at the same time Faith did. The Slayer was standing right outside it. The words "First Purgatorial Bank" were written in big letters above the front of it, and in the front window... in the front window, on display, was a large, crisp, One Million Dollar banknote. That was it! All Faith had to do was steal the banknote, and she could get Dawn set free. Surely Zuzzigiel would keep its word and not drop her into the vat of... hot chocolate sauce? Wasn't it toffee a moment ago? Dawn would've shrugged if her arms had been free. Toffee sauce, chocolate sauce, what difference did it make? Both she could quite happily drown in. Faith wasn't hesitating, it seemed. Despite the obvious moral implications of stealing, the Slayer had picked up a brick on the sidewalk next to her and used it to smash the window of the bank. That was a relief. For a moment Dawn was afraid she might have been turned into dessert. Her view of the world suddenly changed. * * * Dawn's first instinct was to scream. She took in her surroundings quickly, but to begin with they confused her. She was strapped to a metal frame, in the middle of a huge cavern. And... she was being lowered... into a shark pool? How embarrassingly James Bond! All that was missing was a missile ready to destroy NORAD or something. Actually, that wasn't quite all that was missing. There didn't seem to be any white-coated assistants clutching clipboards, or any cheesy flashing computer banks. The atmosphere screamed James Bond at her, but it was like minimum effort had been made to set the scene. Just the shark pool, the winch that was lowering her into it, and Zuzzigiel and Faith. Had they been there before? Zuzzigiel was wearing a beige jumpsuit, and unsurprisingly was carrying a fluffy white cat in one arm and stroking it with the other. Faith was... wearing a Dinner Suit? This was taking the cliché too far. The dream was way out - what the hell had she eaten? Toffee sauce? Chocolate sauce? Why did those spring to mind? Why did she feel like she'd been here before? And could Faith please save her from mortal danger like now? Zuzzigiel was standing next to Faith, on the side of the pool to Dawn's left. On her right was a solitary shiny control panel, with an idiot-proof sign above it reading "Shark Pool Winch Control". There was a single red button in the middle of the panel with "STOP" in equally idiot-proof lettering above it. In front of her at the poolside was a weak looking man in a white coat. Like the control panel, Dawn was sure he hadn't been there before. She was also sure that the cavern wall behind him hadn't been lined with mirrors before. But then dreams did that. There was some kind of ghastly mechanism along the wall of the cavern behind her, she could see it in the mirrors and hear it working. "So you see, Miss Faith," Zuzzigiel said in a calm, condescending voice, still stroking the cat, "there really is nothing you can do to save your friend. Pom-pom there may be unarmed, but he has sworn to guard that walkway with his life." The demon paused briefly to gloat. "Of course, you could try and get through the workings of the diabolical engine on the other side of the pool, but even with your Slayer reflexes you'd have to be very lucky to make it through alive. Face it, Miss Faith, you are beaten. No one is going to be pressing that stop button." No, that was wrong, even Dawn could see that from here. Faith had a choice. Either she killed Pom-pom with the nasty looking dagger that Dawn had only just noticed the Slayer was holding, or she risked her own life trying to get through the 'diabolical engine'. Personally Dawn was going with the idea of killing Pom-pom. It would be quick and easy and the world wasn't going to miss one more evil henchman with a silly name. But... that wasn't the point, was it? Faith's choices affected what happened to her soul. The Slayer had to act on her first instinct, but that instinct would convict or acquit her. Pretty fucked up, in Dawn's opinion. Not that Zuzzigiel seemed interested in Dawn's opinion. No, the demon was obviously much more interested in taking a walk through pop-culture references to test Faith's soul. Dawn remembered the vat of toffee... or was it chocolate?... sauce now. First Batman, then James Bond. What next? Star Wars was the obvious one... and she couldn't see Zuzzigiel going for anything more original. She would find out soon enough, anyhow. Faith had made her move, and was headed for the machinery. Dawn's view of the world suddenly changed. * * * Dawn's first instinct was to... cringe. Star Wars. How predictable. Her second instinct was to scream. Cool and funky though lightsabres were, when a demon in black threads with a matching cape is charging up a flight of steps at you wielding one of the things in a way that left no doubt that its sole purpose was to strike you down... then lightsabres were kinda terrifying. The decor was cool though. Summer afternoons spent watching the Trilogy again and again with Xander meant she could easily identify this as the Emperor's throne room on the second Death Star... and she was strapped into the Emperor's throne. Zuzzigiel was running up the steps to the throne, red lightsabre in claw, an expression of rage on its face. The demon really did go in for this acting stuff. Probably disgruntled at Hollywood's humans-only policy. There was Faith! Just to the side at the bottom of the steps, all decked out in Jedi Knight duds. They suited her a hell of a lot better than the James Bond outfit. Zuzzigiel was halfway up the steps already, Faith would have to act now if she was going to save Dawn. Once again, the scenario that Zuzzigiel had painstakingly created had presented Faith with a choice that to Dawn was pretty obvious. Kill Zuzzigiel, or let Dawn die. A life for a life - but which one? Zuzzigiel had obviously realised that as soon as Faith caught on - it had taken Dawn a while, after all - she would try to second-guess the demon. It had countered this eventuality by making sure Faith didn't have the time to second-guess. The Slayer pulled down the hood of her brown-grey cape, then bound up the steps in rapid strides and ignited her own lightsabre. Dawn sighed with relief as the Slayer struck at Zuzzigiel with the yellow-green blade just before it reached the top of the steps. She gripped the arms on the throne, bracing for the inevitable. Her view of the world suddenly changed. * * * Dawn screamed. She hadn't had much time to consider what Zuzzigiel's next scenario would be, but finding herself and Faith stuck at the end of a gully in prehistoric times with a ravenous Velociraptor charging towards them was certainly not an option she had anticipated. They had seconds, short brief seconds, before the creature was upon them. She glanced around quickly and saw their only means of escape. A vine dangled down the sheer sides of the gully, just out of Dawn's reach. "Fuck," Faith muttered. Clearly the Slayer had realised the same thing Dawn had. Only one of them was getting out, and it was down to Faith to choose. Dawn needed Faith's help to get to the vine, but in the time it took the Slayer to lift her up, the Velociraptor would reach them and Faith would become dinosaur food. The alternative was for Faith to save herself. Now this was icky. And urgent. Faith had to choose, and choose now. And she did. "Enough!" the Slayer screamed as the dinosaur thundered towards them. "Enough God damn you!" The Velociraptor kept on coming - something which from Dawn's point of view made Faith's unconventional approach to the problem more than a little hard to take. "Fuck you, Zuzzigiel, I said enough!" Faith continued yelling. "If this is meant to be some kind of test for me then why the fuck do you have to put Dawn through all this shit too?" The Velociraptor slowed down. "I don't give a fuck about your stupid screwed up red tape, and I don't give a fuck if I've passed this test or not. I am not letting you do this to Dawn!" Wait a minute! Faith was risking her soul just to spare Dawn a few nightmares here and there? That was as screwed up as the test itself. Dawn started to protest, but Faith continued her tirade. "If sitting around in Purgatory waiting for one of you screwballs to figure out what to do with me is the price I have to pay for ending this then so be it. But this stops, right here, and right now!" She shook her fist at the now snail-paced Velociraptor to accentuate her last sentence. Dawn shivered. The world around them was almost standing still... but the dinosaur's vicious claw, slow moving though it was, was heading straight for her gut. An inner-voice told her she could just step aside, but she was afraid that a sudden movement like that might suddenly speed things up around them again. She glanced up at Faith and saw the Slayer's face streaked with tears of fear and rage. "Perhaps there is hope for you yet," a soft, disembodied voice said. Dawn's view of the world suddenly changed. * * * "What did you just say?" Faith asked. They were sat around the table in the Summers' House again. Faith's body language was still very confrontational. And no wonder. The details were slow to come back to Dawn, but she knew they'd been screwed around... and that Faith had risked everything for her. "I said perhaps there is hope for you yet," Zuzzigiel replied. It had changed. Its skin was smoother. The reptilian demon look was gone. It still didn't look human - the muddy tan colour of its skin didn't quite seem to fit the human pigment, and the bony ridges in its skull certainly did not look right. "I will be honest," the... demon? continued. "I may have misled you both a little. This has not been about Purgatory, but it has been about your soul, Faith." Zuzzigiel's voice had become richer, there was a paternal lilt to it. "As a Slayer, you have great power. The wounds your soul already bears mean the temptation will always be there for you to misuse it. Be careful, Faith. You have a difficult road ahead, and there will be many places where you can fall. Try not to fall too far." Zuzzigiel smiled and stood up. Its briefcase had vanished, and it wore an almost serene expression as it walked to the door. Dawn figured it'd only be a second or two before it did something really clichéd like sprout wings or something. Faith was struck dumb, obviously in shock from the sudden sermon she had received. Dawn slipped off her seat and followed Zuzzigiel towards the door. It didn't surprise her at all when it walked straight through the solid wood without opening it. She hurried to the window and peered out. As she watched Zuzzigiel walk down the path to the sidewalk its voice echoed through the house. "Now I return you once more to the ravages of time. I must confess that I do not know how well your minds will cope with this restart. You may find it difficult to remember what happened here tonight. I am sure though that the lessons of tonight, have you learned anything, will stick with you forever. Be well, both of you." Dawn gasped as huge wings burst out of the back of Zuzzigiel's jacket - wings made of brilliantly incandescent feathers. She rolled her eyes. Either the... angel? was a slave to her expectations, or things had gotten way too predictable around here. The wings started to beat, slowly at first but with gathering speed. Just as Dawn thought she was about to believe an angel could fly, in the 'seeing is believing' sense of the word, the sparkles of light around each feather became much brighter, so much so that she had to look away. Although her eyes darted back almost straight away, in that brief moment Zuzzigiel had gone. Then Dawn heard the clocks start ticking again. She didn't remember noticing them stopping, or noticing that they had stopped, but it was clear now that they had. "Fuck me!" Faith blurted explosively. Dawn could tell that it was mostly with relief, although what exactly it was relief at eluded her. "What a fucking fruit!" the Slayer said after wandering through and throwing herself into an armchair. "Didn't you think he was a fruit, Pipsqueak?" Dawn smiled. The seriousness that had plagued Faith's expression since Zuzzigiel had arrived was now gone. Dawn had her crazy babysitter-friend back again. It made it seem like normality had returned. She couldn't help but think that Faith was making too much of an attempt to forget what had just happened. Sure, there were some moments that were better forgotten, but there had been important stuff in there too. "He was an it," Dawn said authoratively. "Angels don't have weiners or anything." "Buffy's Angel did," Faith said with an wicked smile, "although half of Sunnydale probably wished he didn't. No weiner, no hokey-pokey. No hokey-pokey, no moment of happiness. No moment of happiness, no major psychotic episode." Dawn pulled a face. "You know that's different. Zuzzigiel was trying to help you. Does that scare you or something?" she asked challengingly. "Maybe," Faith said, still trying to sound gung-ho with it, no matter how much that jarred with what she was actually saying. She was scared, Dawn was sure of it. "I just think you should try and remember what it said. If it's right, it'd be pretty fucking stupid if you just went and let yourself forget the whole thing, wouldn't it?" Dawn braced herself, waiting for the lecture on swearing, or the command to watch her mouth. Faith was staring at her lap. The serious expression had returned. "I know, Pipsqueak, I know," she said. In her mind's eye Dawn could imagine Zuzzigiel - Guardian Angel to Faith the Vampire Slayer - stood on the head of a convenient pin somewhere nearby hearing Faith's words, and then smiling. Dawn grinned. Perhaps the ordeals of the night hadn't been wasted after all.