Title: No More Hiding
Rating: R - Faith's in it. (more likely PG13 but better to be safe)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story.  They belong to
Mutant Enemy, 
Fox, etc.
Author: Kegcider 
Summary: Faith comes back to Sunnydale to make amends.  (Slight F/C, F/Anya
Friendship)
Archives:  Anyone that wants it.  Just let me know (html version available)
Feedback wanted please, this is the first fic I'm letting loose on the world. 
Be gentle.

 

Faith's Diary [Inside front cover.]

Vampires aren't real. Just in case the person reading this is a shrink. They 
are not real and I don't believe in them and this isn't a journal, it's a work 
of fiction.

Faith (Not a vampire slayer.)

 

November 24th, 2001.

Hi,

My name's Faith. I'm a vampire slayer. Ignore the bit at the front. That's 
just in case I get arrested again for something. Apparently diaries can be 
given as evidence for psychological evaluation and society has this habit of 
locking up everyone that believes in monsters. Especially people whose job 
it is to save society from monsters. Go figure.

Anyway, as I said, I'm a vampire slayer. I'm the Chosen One. One girl in 
all the world, chosen to fight the vampires. Actually, I'm half the Chosen 
Two, Two girls in all the world… These days we can't get anything right.

For those that aren't aware, the Vampire Slayer - singular, is supposed to 
have a Watcher - singular. The Watcher's job is to guide and train the 
Vampire Slayer so she can slay vampires and save the world and protect 
the innocent and right the wrongs and be a general all-round super-hero.

Slayers are supposed to fight and die, Watcher's are supposed to watch 
and keep diaries.

I don't have a watcher so I decided to change the role descriptions a bit. I 
figured that the Slayer could fight and keep diaries, and we'd skip the 
watching and dying bits.

Besides, future generations might be interested in the diary. If the 
Watchers' Council let it near a future Slayer it could help her. That's what 
I'm hoping.

Enough of that. Bit of background first.

As I said, Vampire Slayer. In general Slayers are given to Watchers to be 
trained, and the thinking goes that younger is better. When I introduced 
myself as Faith, I wasn't being evasive. That is my full name. Just Faith. 
I'm the slayer that replaced Kendra - full name, see the pattern? When 
one slayer dies the next is called, so I became a full fledged slayer when 
Kendra was killed.

Now for the tricky bit. There's another slayer. Her name is Buffy Summers 
(note the last name). She wasn't trained properly by Watchers. She sort of 
got lost in the mix apparently until she was called. The Watchers didn't 
find her until the last minute so she didn't get all the years of training that 
me and Kendra had.

Kendra was called to replace Buffy when Buffy died, but in this wonderful 
age of CPR, Buffy didn't stay dead and suddenly we have two Slayers. Cool 
hey?

Okay, back to the history. People that have met me recently get surprised 
that I can write at all, but they all forget that I'm a "classically trained" 
Slayer. That means that I've even had to suffer through Latin and that is 
nearly unforgivable.

But back to history. I have no family, they died. I was raised by my 
Watcher. I don’t miss them because I don't remember them, but I do miss 
having a family. I've seen families on TV and I've seen other peoples' 
families and I've got to say I'd love to be part of a family.

Part of the training that Slayers get is about switching off your emotions 
and not letting them distract you. So things like friends and family would 
be distractions and are not permitted. The only person a Slayer should 
have any sort of bond with is their Watcher, and the Watcher & Slayer 
relationship is supposed to be like Shrink & Patient. No personal 
involvement or emotional attachment.

I used to be like a fucking robot, I'll tell you. From what I've heard, so was 
Kendra so I get the feeling that the Watchers' Council like robots. They 
sure as hell don't like Buffy, who isn't a robot. Or me, but that’s for 
different reasons.

I'm not a robot anymore as you've probably twigged. I'll tell you now what 
happened.

Miss Harper, my Watcher. Her name was Deborah, but it was always "Miss 
Harper" to me. Well she trained me for all my life, taught me languages 
and stuff, how to fight, how not to feel. She was the only person I ever 
spoke to, about anything. Boyfriends, she told my why I couldn't meet 
boys. Vampires, she told me why they had to die. Time of the month, she 
went in to great detail about what was going on, then went on to talk 
about not having children and not getting involved with boys.

There were times I hated her, but I couldn't keep hating her. She was the 
only person in my life.

Then she died, and it was messy. Very messy.

I used to fight vampires because it was my sacred duty and the world 
needed saving and I was a super-hero. Fantastic Faith to the Rescue!!

That all changed when Kakistos decided that he'd had enough of the Slayer 
taking out his foot soldiers. So he decided to take me out. He didn't go for 
me though, he got Miss Harper.

When I saw what he was doing to her it made me sick, violently sick. He 
just laughed at me, then he began to ask her questions. He knew a hell of 
a lot about Slayers and Watchers.

One thing her knew was just how the Watchers Council would go about 
getting a Slayer-in-waiting for training. In some areas, people know about 
Vampires and Slayers, and they'll voluntarily give up their children for 
training if one is a Slayer. Apparently this happened to Kendra.

Me, I come from Boston, MA. We don't believe in superstitious rubbish like 
vampires, do we? So when the Watchers Council find a Slayer-in-waiting, 
they have to come up with another way of getting the child.

Kidnapping a child is a very high profile crime and it gets the FBI involved 
real quickly. Having an entire family disappear is something else entirely. 
It's just sort of assumed that they're running from debts or something.

Kakistos made Miss Harper tell me how the Watchers' Council had killed 
my parents and my elder brother just so they could take me to save the 
world. That sort of totally blew my view of the whole Slayer-gig and I 
rebelled just a little.

I watched Kakistos turn Miss Harper, then for fun he threw me in a pit with 
her. To see if I could dust her. It was so easy. I looked at her and all I 
could think about was how she'd been involved in killing my family. Add to 
that the fact that she was a vampire. Without vampires, there would be no 
Watchers' Council and my family would still be alive.

Kakistos gave me a head start for sport and I ran. I headed straight for 
Sunnydale where the other Slayer was. I knew she'd have a Watcher and 
I'd never be able to trust a Watcher again, but I had no problems with 
another Slayer. She'd be able to understand, I thought.

November 25th, 2001

 

November 26th, 2001 

I had to stop writing before. This old stuff is hard. It'll get better when 
I've caught up and can start writing about what I'm doing now.

Anyway, I'm going to change the topic. I don't want to write about Buffy 
yet. So back to the Watchers and Slayers bit.

There's this test that the Watchers' Council give to Slayers when they 
reach eighteen. They call it the Cruciamentum. Basically they drug the 
Slayer so that she loses her powers, then lock her in with a vampire. It's 
supposed to build confidence. I've found out that it’s a lie. The test 
doesn't always happen when the Slayer reaches eighteen. In some 
countries, it happens when the slayer turns twenty-one, in others it 
happens when they turn seventeen. They time the test to match that 
country's age of majority. When the Slayer is no longer a child and they 
lose some of their control. The Watchers' Council is all about control. Until 
Buffy Summers, no slayer in recent history had survived the Cruciamentum. 
They only reason I'm still alive is because I'd already cut all bonds with 
the Council by the time I was eighteen. The test is designed to kill the 
Slayer without openly going up against her, so that a new, more pliable, 
slayer is called.

With these guys being my sole role models during my formative years, it's 
no wonder that I learnt to take what I want, no matter what the cost is. 

That's unfair. There are some good people in the Council. No, that's not 
true. There are some good ex-members of the Council. Giles and Wesley 
are both good people. Wesley started off being a prick, but he's learnt a 
lot since he quit the Council. Giles has always been good people.

They both hate me now of course.

 

November 27th, 2001

I'm gonna change the way I'm writing this. I keep having to stop. I'm 
going to start focusing on the now, with bits of history thrown in. 

The now is a bit better, a bit more positive. After all I've got friends now.

Exactly two friends. I've had more in the past but I'm not going into detail 
about what happened because it's painful. Maybe later.

Anyanka - Patron Saint of Scorned Women (Formerly), Human (Currently)

Cordelia Chase - Demon Hunter (Currently), Movie Star (Inevitably)

Cordelia and Anya have been great. I'm really amazed, not just because of 
the history with me, but because I'd read them so wrong.

Cordelia seemed like such a superficial bitch, but there's a hell of a lot 
more going on there than it appears. I've finally worked out why Xander 
was so cut up when he lost her. Buffy had said that there was more to 
Cordelia than people thought, but even she seemed to forget that most of 
the time.

I don't think any of the gang have really understood anything about Anya. 
Red can't get past the vampire-twin stuff. I think the problem they've got 
with her is the demon side. They don't get that she's not a demon 
anymore and that just because she doesn't brood like Angel doesn't mean 
she's not hurting. They always think "Anya ex-demon" and "Anya walking 
hormone". They never remember Anya being twelve hundred years old. Or 
that for those twelve hundred years, the only people she ever met were 
pissed off vindictive women and two-timing husbands. She's spent twelve 
hundred years surrounded by bitterness and betrayal. No wonder she's 
having trouble coping with the whole being-nice thing.

I really don’t get what she's doing with Xander, I gotta say. But she seems 
happy, if a little distracted that even he doesn't want to talk about her 
past.

She's my best friend. Can you figure that? My best friend is an ex-
vengeance demon. Sort of fitting really. After all she's best-friends with an 
ex-psychopathic slut killer.

I really appreciate everything she's done for me, and everything she's 
doing. I'm glad I'm not the only one around here with a history. It's just a 
shame that being pure evil for twelve hundred years is easier to forgive 
than being insane for three months and a coma.

I sometimes get mad at the way the Scoobies hate me, but it never lasts. 
It can't. After all, I do deserve it. I wouldn’t forgive someone for doing the 
sort of things I've done, but I'm not a Scooby. I've got higher expectations 
of them because they seem to be able to forgive everyone except me. I 
mean, they've even got Spike in there with them now. He's tried to kill 
them all on numerous occasions but they forgive him. He isn't even sorry.

I think it's the lies they couldn't stand. Spike's probably never tried to be 
their friend, so they've never been disappointed in him. They don't get that 
I wasn't trying to be their friend, I was their friend. Until they dumped me 
when the whole Deputy Mayor fuck up happened. I was freaking big time 
and I didn't stop until I finally got into prison. It was just like some sort
of 
runaway train, everything just seemed to happen no matter what I tried to 
do.

 

I'm out of prison now, have been for about six months. It was only about a 
year I had to spend in there. Well actually supposed to be two years but I 
got good behaviour. There was no evidence for any of the really serious 
stuff. The only thing they got me on was the assaults at the bus station, 
in the hospital and at the night club. They dropped the killings - I mean 
murders. Wesley didn't press charges, I don't know why. He wouldn't talk 
to me in jail, so I've never been able to find out. Cordelia won't talk to him 
about me, nor will she tell me about him. I don't pressure her about it at 
all, I owe her enough already.

The only other people I was worried about were Joyce - for assault, 
unlawful entry, criminal damage; and Buffy - assault again. I feel guilty as 
hell about it but I can't really ever imagine Riley pressing rape charges.

Neither Joyce nor Buffy pressed charges. I don't know why not. Maybe one 
day I'll be able to ask them. Can't yet.

When I got out, I went straight to Angel's place. He wasn't in, neither was 
Wesley. They were out doing good. The only one there was Cordelia. When 
she first saw me, she was scared as shit. No real surprises there, but I 
was surprised at how quickly I could calm her down when I started talking 
to her, and apologised and all.

She's really a very cool person.

While I was trying to make her feel alright, and trying to show her I was 
sorry for what I'd done to her, she got one of her visions. Worried me 
nearly to death when she just sort of collapsed in front of me in pain. I 
had no idea what was going on. I thought I'd scared her into a heart 
attack or something.

After one of the longest minutes of my life she straightened up and told 
me that some kids were going to get done by a Cadillac full of yuppie 
vampires. Apparently she gets these visions a lot and they just tell her of 
something supernaturally bad going on, then Angel and Wesley sort it out.

Without Angel or Wesley around, I volunteered for the duty. I figured that 
whoever was sending these visions knew I was around and sent that one 
for me. Cordelia agreed eventually and together, yeah - together, we 
stopped the vamps. Cordelia's got the Caddy now. I'd have liked to keep it 
but its too high profile for what I've got to do. By the time we'd finished 
with the vamps, Cordelia was actually able to turn her back without 
worrying that I'd stick something sharp into it. Likewise I'd figured that 
maybe I could talk to Cordelia about things.

I've always been a real private person. It's the Slayer Handbook training 
again. Emotions are a weakness. I know that that can be true. I wouldn't 
have gone through the whole fucked-up psycho phase if I was still a good 
little Council robot. Emotions are a strength as well. I know that as far as 
demon stomping power goes, I'm a hell of a lot tougher than any robot, 
and Buffy is as well, and its because we've got emotions. Saving people is 
personal to us. So is kicking the crap out of monsters.

I've written how my Watcher was killed. When Kakistos did that, and had 
her tell me about how they killed my parents, I sort of threw away 
everything the Watchers had told me about how to not feel. I just sort of 
went as far away from that as I could.

While I was running from Boston to Sunnydale, I did thousands of things 
I'd never even considered doing before. Stealing stuff, sleeping around. I 
even did drugs a bit. I don't do drugs much, Slayer constitution means that 
getting a serious high costs too damn much and doesn't last long enough 
anyway.

By the time I got to Sunnydale, I was a complete slut. Totally off the rails. 
I still thought I was a good person though, still a super-hero saving the 
world. Meeting Buffy just reinforced my idea that anything the Watchers 
tell you to do is wrong. After all, Buffy came back from the dead because 
she had friends, and Slayers aren't supposed to have friends.

Giles was cool though. I knew right from the start that he was a good 
person. I got that confirmed when the Watchers' Council fired him. That 
really was like a seal of approval to me.

It all went to shit when the deputy mayor died.

I'm going to stop now.

 

November 28th, 2001

 

November 29th, 2001

 

November 30th, 2001

I really hate writing some of this stuff down. 

The deputy mayor was an accident. Plain and simple. I regret it, but it 
wasn't really my fault. I know this now. At the time, I thought it was my 
fault and I couldn't handle the guilt. Neither could Buffy so she started to 
shut me out. The Chosen Two disintegrated. We had Buffy the Chosen One 
and Faith the Chosen Fuck-Up.

I don't know why I did what I did after that. I remember it all very clearly, 
exactly what I did, what choices I made. But I don't remember why I made 
them, why I felt the way I did. I was so out of it. I thought I had friends 
back then, but none of them knew me as well as I thought they did and 
they weren't able to help me. I remember when the gloves came off, when 
Buffy was chained to the wall in Angel's mansion, I was talking some crap 
story about dogs and a drunk mom. It was all obvious bull and I think it 
was just more "I've had a hard life - please give a damn" stupidity, but by 
then Buffy hated me and it didn't matter.

Looking back at it, I do think that I wasn't the only one to make mistakes 
back then. Regardless of that, I went on to do some really bad things, that 
were entirely my fault. Those things are why nearly everybody hates me, 
and why I'm here now.

I've looked at what I've written so far, and it's all history. This is going to 
be the last look back. I expect that I'm going to prove myself a liar, I just 
can't stop thinking back to what I did.

Okay, I got out of prison and met Cordelia and we, for want of a better 
word, bonded. Me and Queen C - buddies. Unbelievable.

As you'd expect, once we started to trust each other, we did eventually get 
around to talking about me and what I was going to do. I've come up with 
a sort of mission statement for what I'm doing now.

"To fulfil the duties of a Slayer, to make things up to everyone I've hurt, 
and to not fuck-up again."

Short and sweet and so far, fucking difficult.

Cordelia drove me to Sunnydale in her nice new Caddy, and a damned 
scary trip that was, and then introduced me properly to Anya. I'd only met 
Anya a little before when I'd stolen Buffy's body. I knew next to nothing 
about her, except that she was the girlfriend of someone I'd slept with 
then tried to kill. Well, apparently Anya and Cordelia were getting to be 
friends, again this is something that the Scoobies have never cottoned on 
to.

Cordelia basically asked Anya to look after me. And you can guess how 
that went down. I'm a murderer, I'm mentally unstable, I'm a DEMON 
slayer, and I bedded Xander.

If you guessed that Anya said "Okay, sure, no problems" then you're 
wrong. What she actually said was, "Okay, but Xander's mine."

No kidding.

Just like that Anya agreed to look after me, and Anya takes it seriously as 
well. She instantly became my best friend, and any time that she doesn't 
spend with Xander - he is number one after all, she spends with me. She 
sorted me out a place to live - her house, and she feeds me and clothes 
me.

I was a bit dubious about taking her money, but she said that it was only 
Demon money anyway, she wasn't working for it anymore. Apparently when 
she'd come to Sunnydale for Cordelia's wish, she'd sorted herself a place 
and a bankroll, in case it took a while to get Cordelia to wish for anything 
really nasty.

What it meant was that she had more money than she could ever spend, a 
very nice place, all of her own and a total case of loneliness whenever she 
wasn't around Xander. Or me.

I think that had a lot to do with it.

Anya doesn't think Willow or Buffy like her. She's probably right. They can 
be damned picky, and anybody that's had anything to do with Xander 
seems to be on their shit-list. Or maybe its because she's an ex-demon, 
Cordelia's an ex-professional bitch and I'm an ex-psycho. According to 
Cordelia, Xander's also tried his luck with a giant bug and some dried up 
mummy - as in bandages. Gotta laugh.

I've been living with Anya for the last five months. In Sunnydale. The 
Scoobies don't know I'm here. According to Anya, they don't even realise 
that I'm out. That's a good thing.

Cordelia says that Angel and Wesley haven't mentioned me, so they 
probably don't realise I'm out yet either. It tends to be Cordelia that keeps 
track of things for them, so if she doesn't tell them, they don't guess.

Everybody knows I only got two years, so they'll all be expecting me in 
about six months. I'm hoping I get a chance to start to make things right 
before then. I really can't face going up against Buffy again.

The arrangement I've got set up is quite groovy actually. Anya tells me 
about any demons and stuff that the Scoobies are having problems with, 
while Cordelia gets me research info from Giles. Giles thinks he's helping 
Wesley and Angel.

This way I get to help. I don't ever help them when they could see me, so 
if Buffy needs to raid a vampire nest or something, I'm not there. But I do 
work on the fringes, soften them up a little. Pick off the stragglers. That 
sort of thing. That's the problem.

I can only help Buffy and the Scoobies while they don't know I'm here. If 
they were to find out, they'd hunt me down, and I'd probably be dead. 
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I put it at about fifty-fifty whether Buffy would 
take me out. It's probably about the same as to whether they'd hand me 
to the Watchers' Council, which is the same end-result. The Council would 
immediately decide they prefer robots.

Okay, time to surprise people with my education again. That makes it a 
twenty-five percent chance that neither Buffy nor the Council would kill 
me. I haven't even taken Willow, Riley, Giles and Xander into 
consideration yet. I guess I'm running at about five percent chance of 
being able to keep doing the Slayer thing.

It's not worth the risk. Better that I do my best for them from a distance, 
so that's what I'm doing.

Neither Cordy nor Anya have come up with anything special for me to go 
after tonight, and I haven't heard anything myself, so I'll just do the 
usual. Patrol at about two a.m.

Buffy's a college girl, so she usually gets her patrols done so she's back at 
the dorm by about midnight. Handy that, stops overlaps.

I'll be going out in a couple of hours. See what I can find.

 

December 1st, 2001

Fuck me.

Sorry.

Last night was a bit of a shock to the system. You see I messed up. Not 
badly, it just wasn't what I wanted.

I was out there doing the circuits of the cemeteries when I see these two 
girls doing some sort of spell thing outside of a crypt. I figured out who it 
was immediately, and sure enough there they were. Willow Rosenberg and 
her girl Tara. I do my damnedest to get away before they see me, but I'm 
so busy hiding I don't see the two vamps that are going for them.

I hear Red's scared yelp, and spin round. The vamps have got the girls in 
choke holds and they're grinning at each other. Synchronised feeding, what 
next?

Anyway, Red's pretty much passed out by now, but Tara's still alert and 
she's watches me as I come up behind the vamps and stake them both. 
They never even realised I was there. I catch Red as she falls and gently 
lower her into Tara's waiting arms. She's out cold, but it looks like she'll be 
fine.

Tara's looking at me with this grateful but confused expression. She knows 
that she should know me, after all - I kill vamps, but she doesn't know 
where from. I don't say anything, but suddenly she gets this scared look 
over her face. She's worked it out.

Seeing that Red is still out of it, I start talking to Tara. I introduce
myself, 
and she's not surprised - she'd got it alright. I tell her I'm not going to 
hurt anybody, and she nods. Anya told me that she was really good at 
spotting when people are lying.

I then ask her the biggie. I ask her not to tell Willow or anyone else that 
I'm around. She looks dubious, but I tell her point blank that I expect 
Buffy to kill me. As she owes me anyway, she doesn't take too much 
convincing.

As Red begins to come round I hightail it away. Leaving Tara to come up 
with some bull about her staking them while levitating a branch. Red 
seems to accept it, she's still a bit dazed.

I watch over them until they finish up and get back to the dorm. I figure 
Tara knows I'm there but she doesn't say anything after all.

So one of the Scoobies knows that I'm out.

I made one more friend, or at least one less enemy, last night. I figure 
saving Willow must be worth some brownie points with Buffy as well. As 
long as I get a chance to tell her before she stabs me again.

That's what scares me the most. What if I can make things up to 
everybody else, but Buffy doesn't realise it and kills me anyway? What if 
she doesn't care?

I get confused sometimes as to why I'm doing this. Am I doing it for 
Buffy? I don't think so. I think I'm doing it for me, because I need to do it 
for Buffy. Whether she wants it or not, I've still got to do it for me. Does 
that make any sense at all?

Well that's tonight's news. I'm caught up with as much as I want to write 
now. I'll cut down my entries for when there's actually something worth 
mentioning. I keep ticking off the days though.

 

December 2nd, 2001

 

December 3rd, 2001

 

December 4th, 2001

Three vampires, nothing special. Two were waiting by the grave for the 
other one to wake up, so I figure I finished the whole family.

 

December 5th, 2001

 

December 6th, 2001

Cordelia turned up today. I speak to her most days on the phone, but I'd 
missed seeing her around. She and Anya brought me presents. I'd totally 
forgotten it was my birthday.

I'd even forgotten I had birthdays, it'd been so long since anyone gave a 
damn. Miss Harper stopped celebrating my birthday when I was ten, 
apparently it was time to stop being childish when I hit double figures. I 
don't know how the hell Cordelia and Anya found out, but it does mean 
that I've now got to work out when their birthdays are so I can get them 
something.

Cordelia brought me this little Wile E. Coyote badge. She'd wrapped it with 
a note, which I've stuck below.

 

No matter how long it takes. No matter how many times you're blown up, 
have rocks fall on you, get hit by a truck. No matter whatever.

Pick yourself up and try again. You'll get the Road-Runner eventually.

Love, Cordelia

 

I really dig it. I've officially got a role model now. Sure as fuck beats the 
Watchers' Council.

Anya got me a present too. I don't think I've every blushed so hard as 
when I opened her box. Neither had Cordelia. Anya's so open about sex it's 
incredible, even to a slut like me.

Anya said that she knew I missed Cordelia. In case you hadn't realised it 
yet, Anya is my best-friend but Cordelia is my girlfriend. I don't know quite 
when it started, but I love Cordy and she says she loves me, and Cordy 
very rarely lies - except when she's acting. We took things slowly. By my 
standards it was practically stationary, but we've been officially a couple - 
we told Anya - for about seven weeks now.

So Anya said that I missed Cordy, which I really, really do. She also said 
she knew how slaying made me hungry and horny, and she figured that her 
gift would help out with the problems that were too much for the fridge. I 
was speechless, totally. That's just not the sort of thing you give as a gift, 
even if it has got variable speeds. Anya just blows me away sometimes, 
she really does.

She's the best best-friend I could have.

Things are better with Anya and Cordelia than I've ever had before, even 
better than when I was hanging with the gang. Maybe its because I've 
managed to go six months without betraying them. I think it's more that 
they're my sort of people. I don't know how to deal with the pastel world. 
And no, I don't blame anyone else for what I did, not really. It was me I'm 
well aware of this.

 

December 7th, 2001

One vampire done and dusted.

 

December 8th, 2001

Two vamps dusted.

 

December 9th, 2001

 

December 10th, 2001

Five vamps dusted. They all had a weird sort of tattoo over their eyes. One 
of the vamps a couple of nights ago had the same sort of thing, I didn't 
see the other. I'd thought it was a scar or something.

I've drawn it and shown it to Anya. She said it seemed familiar but she 
couldn't place it. She's going to come up with some story or another and 
ask Giles about it.

 

December 11th, 2001

Six more vamps, all with the same tattoo. I managed to dust four before 
the last two ran off. These guys weren't out casual like, they were looking 
for me. I saw them ignore a couple of kids as they were scanning around. I 
think I've pissed them off. I guess I must have missed one before and he 
told the gang. I hope the two that ran off were the last. Haven't had a 
chance to speak to Anya yet.

 

December 12th, 2001

I haven't patrolled yet. I've been speaking to Anya, she finally heard from 
Giles. Apparently they are some sort of religious cult, typical California. 
Some vamp decided that he wanted a laugh and stormed a commune or 
something. They were all live-let-live hippies, but under the main man's 
influence they became convinced that they were the chosen emissaries of 
the Angel of Death.

They used to serve these demons called the Gentlemen. Anya told me that 
Buffy and Riley killed the Gentlemen off a year or so ago, so these guys 
are here for the Slayer.

But they found the wrong Slayer and think it's me that did the Gents in. I 
can live with that, keeps B out of trouble.

 

December 13th, 2001

All I can say now is OW!

I found the rest of them. They were down in a warehouse by the docks. 
The undead have no imagination.

I'm glad I'd managed to dust eleven of them already because the other 
eight were more than I wanted to deal with. I did deal with them though, 
'cos I'm 'ard - sorry, I've been watching Lock, Stock and Two Smoking 
Barrels. I caught it on the TV so started watching it. Can you believe that 
that's where Giles and Wesley came from?

I'm getting off the topic here because the topic is painful, and I don't 
mean all that angst-y guilt-trip-y stuff I've been into. I mean a gash down 
my back that's nearly a foot long. Also, my left arm's busted, clean break 
above the elbow so it's not as bad as it could have been. I'd dislocated my 
knee and my shoulder, but I put those back in place last night. What fun 
that was.

Anya's helped me with bandages and splints and stuff. I'll heal up, it'll just 
take a bit of time. Time while I won't be able to go out and patrol. I feel 
pretty bad about it, and that's not something I expected. Responsibility, 
duty, doing the right thing. Maybe I'm actually getting a conscience if I 
feel bad because I only almost died.

But I do feel bad, and I've made Anya swear that she'll tell me if anything 
major comes up that Buffy's having trouble with.

I'm going to be laid up for about a week, even with the Slayer healing and 
stuff. I can see myself just pigging out in front of the TV. I wonder what 
the maximum weight ever achieved by a Slayer was?

 

December 14th, 2001

 

December 15th, 2001

 

December 16th, 2001

This is boring as hell. Anya said I could use her credit card, but I just can't 
find the shopping channels interesting. I don't want a limited edition 
individually numbered Abigail collectors doll with real hair. I'm sorry, it's 
just not who I am.

 

December 17th, 2001

I bought a Wile E. Coyote tee-shirt. It was just so cool, and Sunnydale 
doesn't have a WB store. I'm going to wear it while I slay. Let them know 
that I'll keep coming back no matter what happens to me.

 

December 18th, 2001

What's left of my brain is beginning to dribble out through my ears. I don't 
care how I feel. Tomorrow I'm going to go patrolling.

 

December 19th, 2001

I went patrolling. I didn't find anything. All I can say is thank you God 
because I could barely walk by the time I got home. I can tell I'm getting 
better though, a lot better.

I'll be right as rain tomorrow.

 

December 20th, 2001

Right as rain. And it is raining too. What a laugh. Found a vampire which 
was good. I got to vent my frustrations on her. She got the point. I know, 
that pun was unforgivable, but what the Hell. I feel better now. All 
together now

I'm slaaaaying in the rain.

I'm slaaaaying in the rain.

What a wonderful feeling

I'm haaaappy again.

 

December 21st, 2001

Cordelia's coming to stay with us over Christmas. She told Angel and 
Wesley that she's here to see her parents. She's staying here though, with 
me and Anya. And that'll mainly be just me and her because Anya spends 
a lot of time with Xander still. He never comes here, I wonder sometimes 
what the deal is with him. Doesn't he want to know how Anya lives? Not 
my business.

 

 

December 23rd, 2001

I feel really strange writing in Faith's diary. I'm Cordelia by the way. Faith 
talked about her diary a lot, I know it was important to her. IS important 
to her. I'm really on edge. Faith's been missing for a day and a half now. I 
don't know what to do. Why is it that I can't get a vision when it’s 
important?

I arrived last night, it was fairly late by the time I got here. I almost ran 
into Riley, he was walking down the middle of the road like a lunatic. I 
stop the car and see that he's been pretty badly beat up, worse than even 
Wesley gets.

He tells me about this group of weird vampires that jumped him and how 
this dark-haired chick came to help. He was knocked out, but the last thing 
he saw was her being carried by four of them off towards a van.

I tell him it was Faith and for a minute I think he's going to laugh at me, 
but he seems to accept it after a while. He was the last of us to see her. I 
hope she's still okay.

I grabbed Anya and together with Riley we crashed Giles' place and quickly 
called a Scooby meeting. I know Faith will be pissed, but Buffy's really the 
one we need to help her out now.

It's not long before it turns into a full fledged screaming match between 
me and Buffy. She can be so self-righteous sometimes. I was surprised by 
the amount of support Faith got. I'd expected it to be just me and Anya 
begging for help, but Tara, Riley and Xander stuck up for her. I'm going to 
have to find out about Xander.

Eventually Buffy and Willow agreed. I don't think they really had a choice 
when it was clear that the rest of us would go look for her anyway. They 
both made it pretty obvious that there would need to be discussions after 
we found Faith.

We're all supposed to be trying to think of ways to find her. Xander and 
Buffy have already beaten up Willy the Snitch. Tara and Willow are doing 
Wicca stuff - yoga or something.

Anya's cooking. I don't know, I guess it just helps her relax.

Me. I'm keeping Faith's diary up to date. She wouldn't want it to get 
forgotten. I can't sleep, haven't done since I arrived.

 

December 24th, 2001

It's about 2 in the morning. I cannot believe how stupid I can be. I was 
writing in the diary, but I didn't read it - figured it too personal. I decided 
to hell with it and read the last few chapters. Buffy's on her way here, 
should get here in five minutes or so.

We're going down the docks. I do hope it's those same bastards.

 

Eight a.m.

Faith's back. Thank god for that, I'd thought I'd lost her. It was a close 
thing, the undead freaks were going to sacrifice her to bring back those 
Gentlemen. We got there before that, but not before they'd almost beaten 
the life out of her.

She's in hospital now. So am I, I got a busted rib. So is Buffy, busted 
shoulder. We make a great team don't we? Turned out Faith had 
underestimated the number of vamps by about fifteen. We got her loose 
pretty early on, I'm actually getting good with a crossbow now. Then with 
both Slayers and Riley and Xander in the mix, with me and Giles shooting 
and Tara and Willow spelling and holy water, it turned into a pitch battle.

Everybody else is fine, it's just us three that have been hospitalised, but it 
should only be a day or two at most. Anya threw some money at the 
hospital and we're all in a small ward together. The three of us in a row, 
Buffy by the door, then me, then Faith by the window. I'm glad Faith's with 
me, and I didn't want Buffy to be alone in here, I remembered she hates 
hospitals. I can see it causing some fun tomorrow - when we're not quite 
so medicated.

I'm packing it in now. I've been up about two days and I'm getting doped 
up.

 

December 25th, 2001

Merry Christmas.

It's still Cordelia. Faith's writing arm is busted, so I'm official diary
keeper. 
Today things have been really quite good, for everybody.

The worst bit was this morning when Joyce turned up to see Buffy. Nobody 
had told her that Faith was here and the look on her face was priceless. 
She talked about moving Buffy to another room, and I could tell that she 
wanted to move Buffy to another hospital all together.

Buffy said no. She said that she wasn't worried about Faith doing anything 
nasty yet. I guess that she's finally worked out that Faith is trying to do 
the right thing now. Buffy said she wasn't as badly beat-up as Faith and 
would be able to take care of herself and that besides, she wanted to be 
able to speak to Faith.

I piped up at that point, I just couldn't help it. I told Joyce that it was an 
ideal time for Faith and Buffy to talk because this time, neither of them 
was in a position to either fight or run away. Joyce wasn't impressed, but 
both Buffy and Faith got it, they were actually agreeing with me, and each 
other.

Not long after that Joyce left. She wished me well as she went, but 
wouldn't even look at Faith.

Anya and Xander were next. I figure they were waiting outside for Joyce to 
finish. They both said "Hi!" to me, handed out bags of grapes, then Anya 
went to speak to Faith and Xander spoke to Buffy. It was hard 
eavesdropping on both conversations at once, but it turned out that they 
were both apologising.

Apparently Anya had told Xander about Faith months ago. He'd agreed not 
to tell Buffy or anyone about it as long as Anya kept him up to speed on 
what Faith was doing. That was why Xander never came to Anya's house, 
he didn't want to cause a situation. Faith was a bit upset that Anya hadn't 
kept the secret, but it didn't last, after all Xander didn't seem to hate her 
like she'd expected him to. Buffy was pissed with Xander, but then she 
always had a short fuse when it came to anything Faith. She seemed 
unhappy but moderately calm by the time Xander had finished. 

Xander and Anya left not long after that. They said they thought it was 
time for Faith and Buffy to get to know each other again.

They didn't get a chance, because at that moment Willow and Tara turned 
up. They walked in and said "Hi". Willow went to sit next to Buffy for a few 
minutes while Tara sat near me and Faith and we gossiped for a bit. After 
a while, Willow stood up and walked up to Faith's bed. She looked at each 
of us slowly, as if she was putting something off. Then she spoke, and I'll 
never forget how hard it seemed for her to say it.

"Faith," she said. "Thank you for saving Tara, and for saving me. Welcome 
back. You know I'm never going to be your biggest fan, and even before 
you went loco, we didn't get on particularly well. But… I'm glad you're 
here. And if you ever need my help, it'll be there for you."

That said, she shut up so fast you could hardly believe it. Faith said a 
quiet "Thank you," then we all watched as Willow left, with Tara behind 
her. Faith looked at me, while I looked at her. "That was really hard for 
her," Faith remarked with a grin.

I just nodded. Too close to laughing out loud to say anything.

Buffy was watching us carefully then she spoke. "Faith, I think it's time we 
talked."

I wished that I could have left them alone, but I couldn't move, so I put 
on the hospital headphones and listened to the radio instead. Buffy 
hobbled out of her bed and went to sit down by Faith's. She leant in close 
and they started talking in earnest tones. When I glanced over next, it 
looked like Faith was crying, and that isn't something that I've seen very 
often. Actually twice is all. The first time was when I had that vision when 
she came to the office, when she'd thought she had killed someone else. 
The other was the second night we spent together. Apparently she'd never 
had anyone hang around that long before.

Pretty soon I saw Buffy stand up and take Faith's hand for a moment 
before going back to her bed. I do hope that means that Faith doesn't 
have to keep hiding anymore. I worry about her.

Faith wasn't a saint. Behind Faith herself, I'm probably the quickest person 
to agree with that. She did some really bad stuff, but she didn't deserve to 
have to go through what she's been through the last few months. It's a lot 
like with Angel. Angelus did evil stuff and didn't feel bad about it at all. It 
wasn't until Angel got his soul back that he got punished and by that time, 
it was the wrong person being punished. Angelus still doesn't know what 
guilt feels like.

Faith's the same deal. I know that technically she didn't lose her soul, but 
it's a pretty slim difference between losing your soul and losing your mind. 
She's a different person now, a real good person. It's just a shame she's 
had to deal with everything that psycho Faith did.

I love her. Damn, I'd forgotten whose diary this was. I love you Faith.

When Buffy gets back to her bed, I stop pretending I was leaving them 
alone. Faith's still got tears in her eyes, but she smiles at me.

"So? Is the war over?" I asked.

"Yeah," Buffy answers from her bed. "I think we've about got the peace 
treaty signed."

I looked back at Faith.

"B's going to let me patrol with her."

"No more hiding?"

Faith smiled. "Not from Buffy at least."



The End




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